ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
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I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink