All set.
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She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
first you must answer his riddles
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point