Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Mornin
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.