Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
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My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions