My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
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I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Raisins are grape jerky.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
my mom making me talk to relatives
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”