I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
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Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.