one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
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Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Just had my nails done!
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*