Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
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The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
fly smarter, not harder
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*