Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
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whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
asking santa clause for nudes
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture