[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
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My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
New favorite tiktok
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
If you had more money you’d be happier.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.