Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
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Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Probably my best painting.
2 years later
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit