my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
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Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Holy shit he’s back
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
courtroom exchange of the day
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest