I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
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I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
There’s always that one guy
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.