USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar