my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
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Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”