I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
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If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Jogging has never helped my memory.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes