8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
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DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.