dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
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I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!