The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
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I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
what it’s like dating me:
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.