I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
You Might Also Like
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
listen closely
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza