Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
You Might Also Like
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
that colleague who touches your screen
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.