What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
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I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.