Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.