Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
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Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?