“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
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Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
bias laundering edition
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me