Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
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3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!