Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
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Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by