From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
You Might Also Like
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
this is literally a CIA plant
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
When I can’t barge, I careen.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted