Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
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I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
awkward
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
.. do you even science?
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.