[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
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As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.