[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
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My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]