Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Before & after 😅