It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
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Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look