SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
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If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Come back with a warrant
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap