What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
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If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
All. The. Damn. Time.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Cardio Made Easy
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.