I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
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I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones