RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
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if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison