I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
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DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Hank is one in a melon.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*