TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
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My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.