Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
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Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
okay run it by me one more time
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.