[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
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I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Employees must applaud the planets.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Phones down.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.