A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
japanese corn
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.