“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
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How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
based al yankovic
The pen is writier than the sword.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?