Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I have a new favorite meme page
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.