Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
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*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.