Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
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The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.