Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
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I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
giddy up Office Depot
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were