A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
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Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on