*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
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“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
the last thing a carrot sees
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Velcrow
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.