Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
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With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Has there ever been a more American story?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
thanksgiving in nutshell
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there